so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
