You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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