I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
