I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
