i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
