DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
