dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
