I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
