Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
