I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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