Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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