wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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