There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
