Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
