his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
