I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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