My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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