My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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