I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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