respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
