ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
