Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
