I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
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It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
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He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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