After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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