my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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