I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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