your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
