I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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