Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
