Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
