we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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