I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
