the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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