So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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