??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
