I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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