I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
