9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
