make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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