if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Terrible idea I love it
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
