She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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