I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
