paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
