I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
