I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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