I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
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