1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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