I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
