I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
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Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
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I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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