Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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