from now on my penis is your penis
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
