I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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