I CAN MOONWALK!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
