Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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