dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
