and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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