Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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