I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
