whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
