If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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